Evenings: A time for intimacy

Hi there lovely.

I hear you’re frustrated because you’re “good” all day and then when it comes to the evening or night you binge. You’ve even identified that you’re not hungry when you go to the food in the first place.

Yup, I’ve been there. It’s super shitty. The justification for going to the food, the attempt to control or to try to stay present during the act of eating. The declaration that this will be the last one. The justification to have another. The rabbit hole that you spin out-of-control down even while thinking you are in control and then the overstuffed feeling, and the choice to purge or to sit with it. I know this all too well.

I invite you to forgive yourself.

Whether you sit in this feeling of stuffed discomfort or decide to purge, I invite you to stop and sit down. Right now. Downshift from the chaos of the chase and plant yourself on the couch or bed or floor. Breathe. You are ok. You are not a bad person. This behavior pattern is wired from years of use as a coping strategy. It takes time to rewire your brain. To install new habit patterns.

Find softness in that. Can you love the hurt child within right now? Can you see yourself from outside of you a get compassionate? If the answer is no, that’s ok too. This takes time. You suffered this, that, the other…had no other coping mechanisms, nowhere else to turn to, no wonder you went to food. We as babies nurse for nutrients but we also nursed for comfort. Food has this comforting quality and that’s ok!

The first step to rewiring your brain is eliminating the self-shaming internal dialogue. When the shame dissipates it dissolves the need to eat again to numb/escape from the self-inflicted pain of the shaming. The stillness opens a space for curiosity and compassion. ‘I wonder why I went for food.’ Oftentimes evenings are the first time we get to relax for the day. Take our foot off the gas. There’s less structure and nothing coming up other than sleep. We might tell ourselves that we “deserve” this or that because of whatever happened or didn’t happen during the day. This is a nice opportunity to explore other things that might nourish you during the evening. Perhaps a slow walk after dinner, crafting, or editing photos for example.

Another tool you can use is fast-forwarding to the next day. “How do I want to feel in the morning?” Sometimes this can interrupt the habit just long enough to choose something else. You can even go to bed! Enjoy an evening routine. Light some candles. Play soft music. Give yourself a massage. Get in bed early. Read. Sip on tea. I go to bed by 10 almost every night. The later we stay up the more we are working against our body’s natural tendencies.

I want you to know that you’ve been here before and you’ve survived, so you will survive again this time. This is simply an opportunity to get curious and dive into your relationship with yourself a bit deeper. There’s no amount of psychological counseling and mental health diagnoses and medication that can help you form a better relationship with yourself. This is an inside job. Which is such a relief because you already have all you need to heal within you.

You are on a healing journey. It doesn’t resolve with the flip of a switch; it is a process over time. You are healing! With contraction comes expansion, with expansion comes contraction. The pain reminds you why you’re invested in healing and that there are opportunities to get to know yourself better. The freedom you feel during your successes is encouragement, a pat on the back, and an understanding that you can and are doing this. With self-compassion, self-inquiry, and the courage to love on yourself, you will see that the slip-ups get smaller, and the periods of freedom extend. I’m here for you friend. Holding you with care.

By,

Kelsey